I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
