he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
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I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
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I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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