i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
