This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
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New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
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Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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