He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
