Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
