R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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