Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
