guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
