I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
