I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
