No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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