she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
