He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
