I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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