Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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