I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
