would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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