So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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