listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
home. puking in laundry basket.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Randomize
