i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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