Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
