I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
