My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
