I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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