I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
