I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
