I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Moan for me like Helen Keller
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
