There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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