I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
