Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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