there's paper in my vomit.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Randomize
