Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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