THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
