i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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