Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
my poor anus
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
