I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
