I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
