Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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