I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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