From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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