dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
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the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
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I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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