i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
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