...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
