we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I'm both gender and math confused
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
