New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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