I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
