How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
