i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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