So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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