Umm I'm too high to move.
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Your topless pictures make me question reality
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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