My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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