Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
