LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
