you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
