that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
my sisters under your porch take her home
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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