So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
